Friendships are an essential part of life, and it’s truly a wonder that we don’t talk about them as much. As you grow older, it is essential to be surrounded by those who truly have your back, as you’re no longer as protected from life’s harsh realities. In this post, I share 5 crucial lessons I have learned about friendships, that I believe will resonate with you.
My source of inspiration was a post from one of my favorite blogs, ‘Choosing Friends: Why You Must Get It Right As You Age by Cleaver.Org.
1. You have the most ‘friends’ when you’re the most broken version of yourself
Starting with straight fire huh! I say this because when you’re broken, you tend to be a people pleaser, you’re scared of being alone and you’re afraid of saying no. A concoction of these features will make you the perfect victim for people who will siphon your energy and take advantage of your kindness.
These are not real friends (hence I’ve placed the quotes on the topic), and you should avoid them. But to even identify such people and avoid them, starts with taking a look in the mirror and asking some tough questions.
Where did you pick up the habit of people-pleasing?
Where did you learn to say yes when you want to say no?
Perhaps growing up you felt like you had to earn love. That you were only seen, acknowledged, and celebrated when you achieved something. So, you carry that in your friendships.
Deep down you believe they only love you because of what you can do for them, and not who you are. So, you go above and beyond for them. Only later to realize that they were only friends with you because of what you could do for them, and not who you are. You will know this because you’re always there for them, but they’re never there for you when you need them the most.
Be proactive in healing and unlearning people-pleasing tendencies. Start acknowledging your needs and communicating them, you’d be surprised by who would be willing to meet them. Don’t be afraid of being alone or having few friends. Better to have a few real friends than many fake ones.
2. It’s better to have a select few who sow into you than many who drain you
And that leads me to my next point. Another difficult truth about friendships is that oftenly, quality > quantity.
I think it’s better to have a close circle of friends with whom you can show up fully for, and can experience the best version of you, than many who you can only show up a little for, or show up little for you or not at all. At times having many friends can be draining because there will be an often unspoken expectation to show up for them in ways you may not have the capacity for. Realistically, you are human and cannot be everything to everyone. It’s okay, normal and I think more practical to have a select few friends than many.
3. You’re allowed to have standards in friendships too
The third difficult truth about friendships is that you are allowed to have standards in friendships too. Society is so obsessed with speaking about having standards in romantic relationships that having them in friendships is rarely discussed. But, as you grow older, and get clearer on who you are and the kind of life you want to live, you want to be surrounded with those whom you are aligned with. It’s okay to disagree and have different viewpoints on various issues, but ensure you are on the same page on fundamentals, like values and lifestyles. You want to push each other forward rather than hold each other back.
4. Outgrowing each other is normal (and needed)
At times, friendships end, not because of a major fallout, but because you are growing at different paces or in different directions. This is totally okay and might I say, needed. You won’t be with everyone you are with now as you go through life’s journey. As time passes by, life changes you and you end up needing different things in friendships as a result, so your friendships are bound to change.
For example, when you go through a life-altering event like the loss of a loved one, changing careers, relocating to a different country, getting your first child, or even marriage, you will always remember the people who were present, and create the capacity to move forward without those who were absent.
In this case, you still love each other and wish the best for each other, but your season together has run its course.
5. Discern where you should place friends in your life, to avoid disappointment. Not all friends are fit for every season of your life.
Lastly, a difficult truth about friendships is that not every friend has the capacity to show up for you in the ways you need. You’ll find that you have friends for different things. For example, if you want to get cut-throat advice, you know you can go to Nancy*. If you want a listening ear, you can go to Faith*. If you are stranded in the middle of the night, you know you can call Michelle* who’ll drop everything and be by your side.
Be discerning about where to place your friends in your life, as not every friend can show up for you in all seasons or moments.
In conclusion, friendships don’t have to be complex, but they can be and even the truths I’ve shared may not apply to every situation. Friendships and community is an essential part of life, and no man is an island. In a culture that glorifies ‘cutting off’ and thinking that we can always find better, let’s cherish the good friends we have, and also be good friends to our friends. It’s a blessing to have friends and to be a friend. :).
What’s a difficult lesson you had to learn from friendships? Feel free to share in the comments.
Till next post,
Miss Kambe.
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